The Warning signs

People stay in relationships that aren't working so that they don't have to be alone, don't have to be alone for the holidays, a wedding, a vacation, a birthday, Mom's anniversary. They may think "This relationship isn't terrific, but it's better than the last one - or better than none at all."

But how do you know it's time to call it quits? There are a few warning signs you can count on:

You fight over nothing.
You're not as affectionate.
You don't see what you ever saw in this person.
You decided all your friends were right and have been all along.
Your parents absolutely adore you date and that really frosts you.
If there was ever sex, it has stopped.
More time passes between dates.
There are longer and longer silences.
You start mentally (and maybe verbally, but I hope not) comparing your date unfavorably to others.
You are more tempted by others.
You're looking for excuses to be alone but not together.
You're looking for excuses to hang out with other couples.
You have no long-term plans.
You take separate vacations.
You buy a car, house, pet without consulting or informing the other person.
You're never there when he/she calls.
You don't return your date's phone calls.
You get a post office box.
Your date moved, neglected to inform you, and didn't leave a forwarding address.
You have your number changed and don't tell.
A love child has been left on your front porch.

Hey, look, hopefully it hasn't gotten as bad as all that, but some people have a hard time letting go. You might convince yourself that just a little more effort or time or a good therapist would do the trick. The first thing you need to do, through, is figure out whether you are the only one who has noticed that things aren't going well or whether both of you seem to be miserable. If you feel that most of the preceding warning signs apply to you. It's time to call a halt. If your partner seems to be the unhappy one, it's perfectly reasonable to sit down in a public place (without alcohol) and say, "I've noticed that we're fighting a lot or not spending much time together. Do you want to see whether we can fix things, or do we have a dead fish here?"

Look, if your relationship gives you more misery than pleasure and more pain than fun, sit down with pencil and paper and figure out what you want and what you're willing to offer to get to get it. If you discover that there is nothing that other person can give (or anything you're willing to relinquish), that should tell you something. Similarly, if you're in a relationship that used to work but has now turned rancid because one of you has moved or changed or cheated, you can't go back, but you can evaluate whether there is anything your partner can offer that has value to you and anything that you're willing to offer to get it. If so, get busy and figure it out and offer it. If not, it's time to do that grown-up thing and break up without bloodshed or nastiness.

Breaking up is an important a skill as any other part of dating. It's not fair to just disappear without a word. The world's too small a place, and you're too big a person, so don't ever think about it.