Pay attention to your intuition

You know the old chestnut, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is"? Well, I want you to memorize a slightly different version: "If it feels all wrong to you, it probably is."

In fact, if you ever feel the niggling of intuition telling you that something's not quite right, do this:

1. Listen to you gut.
2. Do a really check.
3. Get out and sort through your intuititon later.

Safety in Numbers

My number one criteria for a safe date is to meet in a public place. When you do, you're creating your own safety zone. Essential For not only feeling relaxed emotionally, but releasing your body from guard duty as well. Your shoulders drop, your eyes stop darting left and right, your breathing deepens and slows. Isolated, dark, quite places may be great for romance, but on a first date, the goal is to get comfortable with each other. And comfort comes with safety. And safety comes in well-trafficked public places where you can let your guard down.

Here's a list of safe things to do on a first date:

Safest	Less Safe	Unsafe
Outdoor Concern	Meeting at a bar	Going For A Drive
Roller balding in the park on Saturday	A Private Party (Unless you know the party givers)	Midnight walk on the beach
Going for Ice Cream	Seeing a drive-in-movie	Week ends in the country
Doing Lunch	Sporting event (testosterone levels can go sky-high if it's a violent sport)	His or her home alone
Meeting For Coffee		A hike in the woods
Going Dancing		Times Square: New Year's Eve
5K run In the Park
Museum

Again this list is not intended to scare you into joining a monastic order. And certainly, a midnight stroll on the beach can blossom into one of the most memorable dates of your life. But a midnight stroll doesn't have to be a first date. Mom was right: It is better to be safe than sorry.And in the dating world, it's always better to avoid iffy situations in the first place than try to figure out how to get out alive and intact. This is dating, not undercover work.

Take Cash

Always make sure you have what my mom calls "mad money." It's enough cash to get yourself home should you decide to walk away in a huff. Tuck twenty bucks inside your shoe. Just remember to take it out at the end of the evening or you will have a closet full of cash.

Meeting in your 'hood

Your neighborhood is your territory. It's where you feel comfy and known. Meeting at some nearby landmark - the fountain in town, the gas station, the Piggy Wiggy - has several advantages. It's public, close to home, and chances are, you'll be seen by neighbors who cares about you.

Meeting at the office, workplace, or school

After-work or school date have advantages as well as a couple of pitfalls:

Unless you work in a one-man operation, you're meeting in a public place and can keep your private home address to yourself for now.

Presumably your coworkers will still be around. It's a great opportunity to see how well your date relates to others.

You can still exercise the option to provide your own transportation from work - you can leave your car there and call a cab from the restaurany or theater.

One disadvantage is that it ups the pressure for your date to offer to escort you home if you

haven't left a car at your meeting place.

Now your date knows where to find you eight hours a day. At home, at least you can leave the machine on or change your phone number if the situation gets too dicey (for instance, your date won't take no for an answer). In some working environments - a store, restaurant, driving a city bus - it can be much harder to avoid a too-ardent admirer.

The major disadvantage of meeting at work - blowing your cover - can be offset by meeting somewhere near work.

Meeting there

Meeting there is a good option for several reasons:

• You are in control of your arrival and departure time. There's no nailbiting if your date's late, or frantic rushing around if they're early. And, if the date turns out to be a dud, you're outta there in seconds flat.
• Realistically, you may not be so comfortable giving a near-stranger your address just yet. That's okey. If he or she insists in coming to your house, that's another red flag right there. (But remember, you already worked out the address deal)
• You don't have to count on your date staying sober when you drive your own car. You do, however, have to make sure you don't drink (Unless you've been dropped off by a friend, parent, cab, bus, or so on)
• Unless you invite your date to follow you home at the end of the evening, the sex question is definitely out of the question.
• Meeting at the location lends a slightly businesslike air to the date - which can be ideal for a first meeting where you're still checking each other out.

Getting there can be fun

depending on the part of the country in which you live and your age and economic situation, your date may offer to pick you up in a cab, a limo, a scooter, a wagon, a bus, or not at all. While a car, especially if it's yours or your dad's or your older sib's or your granny's may sound fun, and there is something lovely and prom like about the ritual of leaving your home on a first date and walking together to the car (will he hold the door open? will she unlock the inside?), I want you to consider other safer and potentially saner, alternatives.

Name, Rank, and Serial Number

I asked several single friends, both male and female, to tell me how often they knew the home address of a first date who was picking them up or meeting them somewhere. The answer I most often heard was "rarely," which stunned me at first. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was logical - though not terribly sensible. Most first date arrancements in the 90s sound something like this:

"you want to get together sometime?"
"Yeah. Sounds great."
"Great! Can I call you?"
"Sure. Here's my office mumber, my fax, my e-mail address, my beeper number, my cell phone, and my car phone."
"I'll give you a buzz."

When he or she does call, a specific home address simply doesn't come up in conversation unless it's needed for directions.

That's what I'd like you to change. During your rundown of numbers and letters and e-mail addresses, I'd like you to ask one simple question: Where abouts do you live?


Your date-to-be may or may not want to give an exact address - which is okey - but if they're reluctant to give any clues, you may want to ask why. And while you're at it, make sure you know your date's last name (and how to spell it). If he or she is hesitant to freely offer any of this information, consider it a red flag because there are precious few reasons why someone would withhold full disclosure:

They're married.
They live with their mother.
They are embarrassed by their neighbourhood.
They live in a car.

Tell somebody Where you are going

Always let someone you trust know where you're going when you go out and with whom. Unless you went to kindergarten with your date and every grade since, it makes sense to let someone know where you are, especially these days, when people meet through the personals and blind dates and online chat rooms.Even if you are both safe from each other, what if the car breaks down or there's a strom at the beach or your roller blades are hijacked? Not only it is smart to be safe rather then sorry, you'll feel more relaxed as well.

If your mom or your big brother is likely to grill you about your date for weeks afterword, pick someone else to tell - a friend who gives you the same kind of info. If you don't know a soul, the next best thing to leave a detailed note of where you are and who you're with posted in an bvious spot in your home or apartment. Such as on the refrigerator door. It just makes common sense. If you should stumble into trouble, speed and accuracy are essential.

Particularly if you're a single woman living alone, tell a friend what you're up to. While it may feel like a pinch on your freedom, it's a gift you and your single girlfriends can give to each other.

Safety First

Dating can be scary and fun and exciting and challenging, but you want it to be all of the above for all the right reasons - not because you haven't taken reasonable precautions about your own safety. Crossing a street is perfectly valid and the only way to get to the other side; it's safe, too, if you're wise enough to look both ways before you venture forth. This part is about looking both ways, not under the pavement of being so terrified of traffic you need to hold someone's hand as you cross. Just looking both ways.

News stories always focus on Jack the Ripper - or a modern-day monster who preys primarily on women. But it makes sense for you to be a bit cautious, too. (Please tell me you look both ways before crossing...macho doesn't keep you safe from Mack trucks, fella.) Don't feel you can skip this section or skim through it. You'll feel better and safer if you've been sensible, too. Besides, it's good to know what your date may have on her mind other than batting her baby blues at you.

How to protect yourself from a stalker

First and foremost, the moment you sense someone is overly persistent in pursuing you, take it seriously, Denying the problem only makes the stalker try harder to get your attention. Instead, do the following:

Sever all communication. Don't try to let him or her down easy. Be firm and be specific, "I am not interested in having any type of relationship with you, now or in the future." I know it sounds harsh, but it's important to extinguish even the faintest glimmer of hope.

Change your regular routine. If you usually leave for work at 8:15 to catch the 8:30 bus, car pool it some days, get to the office early.

Don't react. If the person who's been following you suddenly shows up in the cafeteria at school, try not to look scared or shocked. That's exactly the reaction they want. Instead, ignore them entirely and sit with a group of friends.

Let people know what's happening. Tell your coworkers, teachers, friends, parents, doormen - anyone you trust that sees you on a regular basis. When you are being stalked, everyone needs to be on the lookout for your safety.

Carry a cell phone. You want help to be three numbers away: 9-1-1.

Plan ahead. Know where police stations are. Park only in well-lit-areas. Hang with friends more than alone. Don't give a stalker any opportunity to have some private time with you.

Keep your old phone number but get a second number. Experts suggest getting a second phone number and hooking an answering machine up to the first. That way, you can document threating phone calls and never have to answer no matter how many times the stalker calls.

Never meet the preson for one last time. It could be your last date ever with anyone if the person feels there is no hope and therefore nothing to lose by harming you.

Finnaly, if the stalking seems to escalate rather than dissipate, call the police. Ask to speak with one of their stalking specialists who is trained to eveluate cues to determine if the threatened violence is indeed real.

Profile of a stalker

A stalker is incredibly needy and unable to carry on the give and take necessary in longer term dating. They can be quite charming initially but turn ugly when everything isn't going exactly as
planned for them. Stalkers are

• Obsessed with the object (you) of their desire: Stalkers are looking for attention. If they can't get this attention in a positive way, negative attention will do.
• Out of touch with realty and able to hear only what they want to hear: For instance, "I'm sorry, I'm not ready for a relationship" translates as "wait for me.""I have a boyfriend or girlfriend" means someone is in the way of the two of you getting together.
• Nothing if not persistent: If you let the phone ring 30 times before picking up. the stalker assumes it takes 31 rings to get through to you.
• Self-involved: Stalkers are unable to see things from any perspective other than their own.

Stalking

We've all heard about celebrity stalkers, but stalking affects an estimated 1.5 million ordinary men, women, and children in our country each year.Though more and more states are passing anti-stalking laws, many statutes define stalking as the "willful, malicious, and repeated following and harassing of another person" and add that an imminent threat of violence must be made for law enforcement to take action.

Rarely will someone march up to you and verbally threaten to do bodily harm, but stalking always has an implied threat of violence. Stalking is often much more sinister and insidious than a stated threat. So that you can take steps to protect yourself, you need to understand what goes on inside the stalker's head.

Remember the movie Fatal Attraction, in which Glenn Close plays a gorgeous, sexy, smart, available woman who was willing to be the Michael Douglas character's love slave for a weekend? You can just see him thinking, "This is just too good to be true."

Someone who is overly attentive, overwhelmingly thoughtful, and wants to be with you all the time - especially in these days when people seem to fear commitment - may seem terrific, but there may be a dark side. Believe me, if someone is too good to be true, believe it: it's not true.

A person who is not attentive can be rationalized as a product of a match made in heaven, someone who finally appreciates the real us, but it's breeding grounds for a stalker. A stalker is someone who craves that closeness in an addictive sense and whose own sense of self is so fragile the instant bonding with another is the only way they can quell the loneliness. With most stalkers, the seeds of the trouble are there from the beginning but since all of us want to be loved, we're willing to write the initial clinginess off as infatuation that is engendered by our wonderfulness.

Understand that the unbelievable instant closeness is just that - unbelievable. Obsession is not love. It is need, and the project of the obsession is nearly irrelevant. You make yourself safer from a stalker by not letting things get started, because once a stalker gets started, he or she is really hard to stop.

How to protect yourself from the date rape drug

An alarming rise in the use of a drug called Rohypnol or "roofie" has been reported across the country. Known on the street as a "love drug," a roofie is a potent tranquilizer - several times stronger than valium. It's tasteless and odorless. When sprinkled in someone's drink, sedation occurs in about 20 minutes to half an hour ans lasts for several hours. The effects are similar to alcohol: Muscle relaxation, slurred speech, slowing of motor skills. But there is one notable exception: The drug produces amnesia as well. There have been several reports of young women waking up in frat houses or other unfamiliar surroundings, without clothes on, having been sexually assaulted but not remembering a thing. (As of the writing of this book, the manufacturers of Rohypnol have added a substance that makes the drug give off a blue tinge when dissolved in liquid.)

Roofies,also called ruffies, roche, R-2, rib, and rope, are now known on the street as the date rape drug of choice even though statistically they're present in the bloodstream in less than 3 precent of all reported rape victims.(Alcohol is still the major drug of abuse in this country - especially in date rape.) And the dangers don't stop there. When mixed with alcohol and other drugs, roofies can kill. Your breathing slows to such an extent that you stop breathing at all. To protect yourself:

Don't take any type of drug handed to you at a party.

Refuse a drink offered by a stranger.

If you should "wake up" and not remember where you've been, report it to the police immediately.As dangerous as roofies are, alcohol is still the number one date rape drug. More people have found themselves in dangerous situations due to alcohol than all other substances combined.

How to protect youself if you're a woman

It's true that anybody can say no at any time: at hand holding, kissing, petting, right up to penetration. If you say no, that means that your partner must stop. But you have to be smart, too. You have to avoid sending mixed signals, like protesting one moment and then coyly relenting, purposefully trying to turn him on and off like a faucet, or agreeing to an intimate dinner at his place when you have no intention of becoming intimate, or making suggestive comments in public and turning cool once you're alone. That's game playing, and it's dangerous. You abusing your power in no more attractive than he abusing his. After all, if you're not clear on what you mean, how can you expect him to be? Be smart and follow these guidelines:

Avoid situations that put you at risk. Don't go up to his room if you really don't want to be there.

When you say no, say it with a period instead of a question mark. No means no, not "maybe" and not "convince me" Don't be stupid.

Never cry rape as a way of getting even or getting attention. This is serious, serious stuff and can ruin both of your lives if it's not true. A false allegation of rape is illegal.

Other things to keep in mind:

Don't invite trouble by inviting yourself into a compromising situation and then playing dump. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"

Understand men have been taught that if they don't make a pass, you'll think they're gay. So no fair baiting them.

Rubbing against a man's penis is going to get him excited, and he'll feel you should finish what you started, so don't get started.

Using alcohol as a way of excusing yourself from responsible behavior is misleading to him and dangerous for you. Nobody ever does anything drunk they don't wish they could do sober.

How to protect youself if you are a man

It can be confusing to be a guy out there navigating the treacherous waters of the dating scene. Some women do send out mixed signals. No doubt about it. And some guys are a bit blinded by their desires. Still, to protect yourself, as well as the women you're dating. I want you to consider the following points before your relationships progress to the sexual stage:

If your date is sending a mixed message, assume "maybe" means no.
You don't want to make love to someone who is unsure about making love to you. Talk about it. Clarify how she feels. Proceed only when both of you are ready.

Assuming you both want the same amount of intimacy at exactly the same moment is a mistake.
Your date may be interested in sexual contact other than intercourse. I know it's hard to do, but it's important to continuously check on each other's desires rather then just making convenient or self-serving assumptions that may be very dangerous.

A woman who says "No" to sex is not necessarily saying "no" to you as a person.
She may just want to pursue being physical more slowly.

Just because she's in your room doesn't mean she wants to be in your bed.

Your size and physical presence can be intimidating to a woman.
If she doesn't struggle it may be because she feels too afraid.

Intoxication(either yours or hers) is not a legal or moral defense for rape.

No matter what has transpired, "No" means "Stop now - go no further."
That's not only the moral definition, but the legal definition as well. I don't care what's happened up to this point.

Myths and facts about date rape

There are a lot of inaccurate perceptions of what date rape is. Some people (unfortunately, too
many) think that date rape is a boys-will-be-boys scenario, or a case of her saying no when she
really means yes, or a lover's disagreement, or a sample of over-reaction, or a meaningless offense. But it's not.

Those and other myths and misperceptions end up clouding the real issue: that date rape is rape. No exceptions

MYTH: Lots of date rape accusation turn out to be false reports.

Fact: Most incidences of rape are never reported particularly in cases of acquaintance rape where the victim feels guilty or somehow responsible. According to a survey of repoeted rapes in Los Angles Country, for example, fewer than 1 percent were found to be unsubstantiated - less than the false report rate for either robbery or homicide.

MYTH: Acquaintance rape only occurs between two people who don't know each other very well.

FACT: Rape is a violant crime that has noting to do with how long the attacker has known the victim. It's not uncommon to be raped by a longtime acquaintance, formar lover, or spouse.

MYTH: Rape is a crime against women

FACT: Men are sexually assaulted as well - and not just by gay men. Rape is an act of violence and brutality, not sexuality. One survey of convicted rapists found that about half didn't care what sex their victim was; they raped both men and women.

Date Rape

No any dating guide would be complete without a discussion of the darkest side of dating: date rape. Also called acquaintance rape. Both terms are misleading and contribute to the misunderstanding of this very serious crime. Rape is rape - a violent felonious assault that is about power, not sex, and that traumatizes and injures the victim. Perhaps even more so when the victim knows his or her attacker.

The definition of date rape is confounded by the pervasive sexual stereotype in the society that men should be the aggressive sexual initiators and women should "play hard to get." Both are dangerous assumptions. And when mixed with alcohol and other controlled substances (often a factor in date rapes), they can be seriously destructive to both parties.

Remember:

1. Rape isn't about sex; it's about power.
2. Rape is anything after the word "No." Anything.

College campuses are particularly vulnerable. According to a controversial 1985 study funded by the National Center for the Prevention and Control of Rape. 25 persent of women in college were victims of rape, and almost 90 persent of them knew their assailants. Of those rapes, 47 persent were by first or casual dates or by romantic acquaintances.

Dangerous date- The Dark Side

Nobody goes on a date expecting trouble, but as your mom pointed out, an ounce of prevention will save you same serious heartache. While predatory behavior is relatively uncommon, you don't want it to happen to you. So arm yourself with information.

Daing is supposed to be fun and exciting. By being aware of potential dangers, you can be alert and informed and confident rather than naively obtuse or frighteningly paranoid. Be prepared, I add be careful and be aware.