The Warning signs

People stay in relationships that aren't working so that they don't have to be alone, don't have to be alone for the holidays, a wedding, a vacation, a birthday, Mom's anniversary. They may think "This relationship isn't terrific, but it's better than the last one - or better than none at all."

But how do you know it's time to call it quits? There are a few warning signs you can count on:

You fight over nothing.
You're not as affectionate.
You don't see what you ever saw in this person.
You decided all your friends were right and have been all along.
Your parents absolutely adore you date and that really frosts you.
If there was ever sex, it has stopped.
More time passes between dates.
There are longer and longer silences.
You start mentally (and maybe verbally, but I hope not) comparing your date unfavorably to others.
You are more tempted by others.
You're looking for excuses to be alone but not together.
You're looking for excuses to hang out with other couples.
You have no long-term plans.
You take separate vacations.
You buy a car, house, pet without consulting or informing the other person.
You're never there when he/she calls.
You don't return your date's phone calls.
You get a post office box.
Your date moved, neglected to inform you, and didn't leave a forwarding address.
You have your number changed and don't tell.
A love child has been left on your front porch.

Hey, look, hopefully it hasn't gotten as bad as all that, but some people have a hard time letting go. You might convince yourself that just a little more effort or time or a good therapist would do the trick. The first thing you need to do, through, is figure out whether you are the only one who has noticed that things aren't going well or whether both of you seem to be miserable. If you feel that most of the preceding warning signs apply to you. It's time to call a halt. If your partner seems to be the unhappy one, it's perfectly reasonable to sit down in a public place (without alcohol) and say, "I've noticed that we're fighting a lot or not spending much time together. Do you want to see whether we can fix things, or do we have a dead fish here?"

Look, if your relationship gives you more misery than pleasure and more pain than fun, sit down with pencil and paper and figure out what you want and what you're willing to offer to get to get it. If you discover that there is nothing that other person can give (or anything you're willing to relinquish), that should tell you something. Similarly, if you're in a relationship that used to work but has now turned rancid because one of you has moved or changed or cheated, you can't go back, but you can evaluate whether there is anything your partner can offer that has value to you and anything that you're willing to offer to get it. If so, get busy and figure it out and offer it. If not, it's time to do that grown-up thing and break up without bloodshed or nastiness.

Breaking up is an important a skill as any other part of dating. It's not fair to just disappear without a word. The world's too small a place, and you're too big a person, so don't ever think about it.

Breaking up

Like the song says, breaking up is hard to do. You've invested time and effort and emotion, and it's just not working. Most people know well in advance when things aren't working out, but the world is divided into two sets of people: those who hang on too long and those who don't hang on long enough.

Aha, you're asking yourself, what about people who get out at the exact right time? Theoretically they exist, but knowing the exact time to split is generally something understood in retrospect.

Male and Female Sexuality

Six is much more of a learned response. Female genitalia is hidden and the messages that society gives women is to basically ignore any sexual impulses that they might have but use sex to entrap men. Balderdash. Everybody is sexual from the seventh month of gestation onward. It's how society teaches us to feel about our bodies that effects us. The best way for a woman to enjoy sex is to trust her partner, know her body, feel comfortable in her own skin, and be an active participant in her own life, pleasure, and sexuality.

Most guys will admit that there are different kind of orgasms and that ejaculating and having an orgasm aren't always the same thing. Feeling emotionally involved makes things a lot more intense. Feeling close to your partner makes men (and women) much more willing to please and feel vulnerable. While it's harder for men to "fake" it, it's just a big mistake. All God's children have the right to feel good.

Don't Compare

I'm absolutely sure that no one who has the good sense to read this blog would ever by tacky enough to compare sex partners out loud, not to a friend, not to a locker room acquaintance, and certainly not to a current date. (If you are tacky enough to do this, please don't tell me about it - I definitely don't want to think of you like that - and clean up your ect.)

Equally importantly, don't compare partners in your own mind. Then was then; now is now. Some folks have a great backhand, some dance well, and some tell a great joke. All of us want to be loved for the unique creature that each one of us is. If you don't want to be compared, don't compare. Love isn't a race to be won; It's not a competition; It's an experience to be savoured and nurtured and enjoyed. So no check lists please. You'll cheat yourself, big time.

Don't Fake it

Faking interest or orgasms is a short term solution to a long term problem (and simultaneous orgasm is a myth of romance novals and Hollywood). If you're faking it, you're giving out misleading information. Nothing will ever change or get better, and sooner or later you'll be found out, and the if you'll-lie-about-something-as-this-what-else-will-you-lie-about? question rears its ugly head. Sex is about intimacy, and intimacy is about trust, and trust is about integrity, and integrity is about honesty. And most of us aren't all that great at acting. (Remember how your mom always knew when you are lying? Probably hasn't changed all that much.)

If you're enjoying the sex, enjoy it honestly; if it's not working for you, figure out what you can do differently or what you can instruct your partner (gently and tactfully) to do differently.

Don't Confess

Possibly the only behaviour more fraught with potential disaster than sex is talking about previous sexual experiences. At least sex usually feels good and is fun for both; confession only geels good for the confessor. Blabbing about your sexual past is a good example of trading off short-term comfort for long-term pain - not such a terrific idea.

If you want to confess past indiscretions, find a priest or a therapist, not a date. Thinking that "I'm just being honest" is a terrible reason to inflict past experiences on a date. Confession is only good for the soul of the sinner, and it can wreck a perfectly good relationship. If what you want to confide is a problem, solve it yourself; if it's guilt, get over it; if it's bragging, tell your friends or your diary. Anything else will come back and haunt you.

If you are about to do something that would be hard to confess, you may want to consider not doing it. This isn't to say you have to pretend that you've just sprung fully armoured from the brain of Zeus or that you're the last Vestal Virgin, or that you have to lie. It's time to adopt the Clinton plan: Don't ask, Don't tell. Anything you are or aren't sexually is about here and now. If there is baggage, find a therapist, find a priest. It will not only add absolutely nothing positive to your relationship, but it will come back to haunt you. Comfort yourself with the thought that between honesty and duplicity is silence.

Beware of Back Rubs

I am a sucker for a great rub, but in a dating situation, if you haven't launched yourselves sexually, a tempting back rub has to be viewed as part of a package with a front rub. In other words, lying down, talking off your shirt and letting somebody touch you is pretty darn sexy, wouldn't you sexy? Don't tease.

If you want sex, a back rub may be a great prelude, but both of you need to understand that that's what's happening. If you want a back rub without sex, go to one of the storefront. great American back rub places or find a same sex masseuse or masseur