The Warning signs

People stay in relationships that aren't working so that they don't have to be alone, don't have to be alone for the holidays, a wedding, a vacation, a birthday, Mom's anniversary. They may think "This relationship isn't terrific, but it's better than the last one - or better than none at all."

But how do you know it's time to call it quits? There are a few warning signs you can count on:

You fight over nothing.
You're not as affectionate.
You don't see what you ever saw in this person.
You decided all your friends were right and have been all along.
Your parents absolutely adore you date and that really frosts you.
If there was ever sex, it has stopped.
More time passes between dates.
There are longer and longer silences.
You start mentally (and maybe verbally, but I hope not) comparing your date unfavorably to others.
You are more tempted by others.
You're looking for excuses to be alone but not together.
You're looking for excuses to hang out with other couples.
You have no long-term plans.
You take separate vacations.
You buy a car, house, pet without consulting or informing the other person.
You're never there when he/she calls.
You don't return your date's phone calls.
You get a post office box.
Your date moved, neglected to inform you, and didn't leave a forwarding address.
You have your number changed and don't tell.
A love child has been left on your front porch.

Hey, look, hopefully it hasn't gotten as bad as all that, but some people have a hard time letting go. You might convince yourself that just a little more effort or time or a good therapist would do the trick. The first thing you need to do, through, is figure out whether you are the only one who has noticed that things aren't going well or whether both of you seem to be miserable. If you feel that most of the preceding warning signs apply to you. It's time to call a halt. If your partner seems to be the unhappy one, it's perfectly reasonable to sit down in a public place (without alcohol) and say, "I've noticed that we're fighting a lot or not spending much time together. Do you want to see whether we can fix things, or do we have a dead fish here?"

Look, if your relationship gives you more misery than pleasure and more pain than fun, sit down with pencil and paper and figure out what you want and what you're willing to offer to get to get it. If you discover that there is nothing that other person can give (or anything you're willing to relinquish), that should tell you something. Similarly, if you're in a relationship that used to work but has now turned rancid because one of you has moved or changed or cheated, you can't go back, but you can evaluate whether there is anything your partner can offer that has value to you and anything that you're willing to offer to get it. If so, get busy and figure it out and offer it. If not, it's time to do that grown-up thing and break up without bloodshed or nastiness.

Breaking up is an important a skill as any other part of dating. It's not fair to just disappear without a word. The world's too small a place, and you're too big a person, so don't ever think about it.

Breaking up

Like the song says, breaking up is hard to do. You've invested time and effort and emotion, and it's just not working. Most people know well in advance when things aren't working out, but the world is divided into two sets of people: those who hang on too long and those who don't hang on long enough.

Aha, you're asking yourself, what about people who get out at the exact right time? Theoretically they exist, but knowing the exact time to split is generally something understood in retrospect.

Male and Female Sexuality

Six is much more of a learned response. Female genitalia is hidden and the messages that society gives women is to basically ignore any sexual impulses that they might have but use sex to entrap men. Balderdash. Everybody is sexual from the seventh month of gestation onward. It's how society teaches us to feel about our bodies that effects us. The best way for a woman to enjoy sex is to trust her partner, know her body, feel comfortable in her own skin, and be an active participant in her own life, pleasure, and sexuality.

Most guys will admit that there are different kind of orgasms and that ejaculating and having an orgasm aren't always the same thing. Feeling emotionally involved makes things a lot more intense. Feeling close to your partner makes men (and women) much more willing to please and feel vulnerable. While it's harder for men to "fake" it, it's just a big mistake. All God's children have the right to feel good.

Don't Compare

I'm absolutely sure that no one who has the good sense to read this blog would ever by tacky enough to compare sex partners out loud, not to a friend, not to a locker room acquaintance, and certainly not to a current date. (If you are tacky enough to do this, please don't tell me about it - I definitely don't want to think of you like that - and clean up your ect.)

Equally importantly, don't compare partners in your own mind. Then was then; now is now. Some folks have a great backhand, some dance well, and some tell a great joke. All of us want to be loved for the unique creature that each one of us is. If you don't want to be compared, don't compare. Love isn't a race to be won; It's not a competition; It's an experience to be savoured and nurtured and enjoyed. So no check lists please. You'll cheat yourself, big time.

Don't Fake it

Faking interest or orgasms is a short term solution to a long term problem (and simultaneous orgasm is a myth of romance novals and Hollywood). If you're faking it, you're giving out misleading information. Nothing will ever change or get better, and sooner or later you'll be found out, and the if you'll-lie-about-something-as-this-what-else-will-you-lie-about? question rears its ugly head. Sex is about intimacy, and intimacy is about trust, and trust is about integrity, and integrity is about honesty. And most of us aren't all that great at acting. (Remember how your mom always knew when you are lying? Probably hasn't changed all that much.)

If you're enjoying the sex, enjoy it honestly; if it's not working for you, figure out what you can do differently or what you can instruct your partner (gently and tactfully) to do differently.

Don't Confess

Possibly the only behaviour more fraught with potential disaster than sex is talking about previous sexual experiences. At least sex usually feels good and is fun for both; confession only geels good for the confessor. Blabbing about your sexual past is a good example of trading off short-term comfort for long-term pain - not such a terrific idea.

If you want to confess past indiscretions, find a priest or a therapist, not a date. Thinking that "I'm just being honest" is a terrible reason to inflict past experiences on a date. Confession is only good for the soul of the sinner, and it can wreck a perfectly good relationship. If what you want to confide is a problem, solve it yourself; if it's guilt, get over it; if it's bragging, tell your friends or your diary. Anything else will come back and haunt you.

If you are about to do something that would be hard to confess, you may want to consider not doing it. This isn't to say you have to pretend that you've just sprung fully armoured from the brain of Zeus or that you're the last Vestal Virgin, or that you have to lie. It's time to adopt the Clinton plan: Don't ask, Don't tell. Anything you are or aren't sexually is about here and now. If there is baggage, find a therapist, find a priest. It will not only add absolutely nothing positive to your relationship, but it will come back to haunt you. Comfort yourself with the thought that between honesty and duplicity is silence.

Beware of Back Rubs

I am a sucker for a great rub, but in a dating situation, if you haven't launched yourselves sexually, a tempting back rub has to be viewed as part of a package with a front rub. In other words, lying down, talking off your shirt and letting somebody touch you is pretty darn sexy, wouldn't you sexy? Don't tease.

If you want sex, a back rub may be a great prelude, but both of you need to understand that that's what's happening. If you want a back rub without sex, go to one of the storefront. great American back rub places or find a same sex masseuse or masseur

Pyar Ke Side Effects 2 - Akshay Kumar with Sonam Kapoor

Now, Pyar Ke Side Effects director Saket Chaudhary is ready with its sequel titled, “Pyar Ke Side Effects 2”. In the sequel of Pyar Ke Side Effects, Akshay Kumar and Sonam Kapoor will take over the roles of Sid and Trisha which were performed by Rahul Bose and Mallika Sherawat in the original flick. The Pyar Ke Side Effects music is by RD Burman’s music was to “Jhankaar Beats,

Now We want to see Sonam Kapoor with Akshay Kumar in Pyar Ke Side Effects 2.

Is this the death of online dating?

Is the death of dating and online dating around - atleast Google Trends say so. I was just wandering through the net when I found that Google Trends has shown huge fall in the searches for Dating & Online Dating while there has been a huge increment in searches for Social Networking.

Dating Trend -



It may be because dating & social networking sounds same to many people alike but there's a big difference between the two. People would date someone for fun or to find their partners, and people even date with partners to escape from long working hours. While social networking makes you a social animal and you interact with people of different ages & backgrounds who match to your work profile, hobbies or interests.

Online Dating Trends -



Dating would give you pleasure while social networking would give you references for jobs and you would come to know more about some topic.

Social Networking Trends -



I would say that dating has now become a part of social networking. Let's see if dating diminishes further.

Don't Assume your date is responsible sexually

Assumptions about sexual responsibility can be literally fatal and at best, embarrassing. So talk about what you're about to do and what it means to both of you. If this conversation seems to get in the way of spontaneity, talk about it when both of you are dressed, sober, and maybe even in public.

Basically don't assume anything at any time if you don't absolutely have to. As my used car salesmen taught me when I was writing my dissertation, "Never assume. It make an ass of you and me" (Get it? ass you, me). You wouldn't assume a gun wasn't loaded before you pulled the trigger (enough Freudian imagery there for us all?).

Don't Have Unprotected Sex

Oh, puh-leeeze. If I have to explain this to you, you need to away from this blog for a couples of years. Not only must you protect yourself and your and your partner from sexually transmitted discease that can ruin or end your life, but from unwanted pregnancy as well.

The only way to be completely protected is to abstain, but if you decide to have sex, understand that a condom and a degree of caution is safer sex(is there really anything even remotely safe about sex? - truly a contradiction in terms), but the parts of your body that really need pretection re your heart and soul and mind. Make sure you are aware enough of your emotional needs and your partner's emotional needs to be responsible. Otherwise, fantasize, masturbate, and wait.

Women have been worried about getting pregnant since the caves, but men should worry too. The idea of having to support and care for a child for the rest of your life because you were feeling amorous one night and had too much to drink is a terrifying one. You get a woman pregnant, you're a father, ready or not. If you're not ready, then make sure you use a condom every time, period (and make sure you put it on and take it off right). Then when you and your beloved decide to have kids (and legalize your union for the kids' sake), you won't have to worry about any surprises knocking on your door same day and asking you to take a paternity test and attaching your paycheck. Do we understand each other? Good!

No Sleeping together until you're ready for sex

Think about in this way: You wouldn't go to a restaurant and then not order anything. Restaurants primarily are for eating.

You may be rereading this rule to make sure you read it right. After all, why else would two people who are dating climb into bed together if it isn't for sex? Well, I can give you lots of reasons: they're tired, too cheap to get two rooms, want a cuddle, cold, scared - the list goes on. The problem about all these reasons to get into bed together (and the words "I promise not to do anything until you're ready") is that they sound perfectly reasonable at the time. But it's not fair to either of you. If he makes a pass, he's an untrustworthy brute, and if he doesn't make a pass, you're convinced he's gay. Once you've launched the relationship and you know each other very well, it may be possible to be in the same bed without either of you wanting sex, but it's still complicated and needs to be discussed, which is a lot of hassle if you're just starting out.

Slow Down

Know the song about wanting a man with a slow hand (and we're not talking poker here)? Well, almost everything about sex are intimacy can be improved if it's slowed down and savored. Anticipation is heady stuff, and our most erogenous zone is the gray matter between our ears. If you're not convinced that going slow has much to recommend it. think about the difference between gobbing a hamburger at a fast food restaurant and dining out. You get the point.

Make sure you know what you're doing and what you want. I know sex wasn't designed to be thoughtful: It's an urgent, fast response, but we're not animals at the mercy of our hormones. We've got that big, fancy cortex on top of all our other organs for a reason.

Not only is it a good idea to go slowly in launching the initial sexual encounter, but once you're sexual, going slowly is a great turn-on (think of the good old days, when waiting until you were married made the wedding, the wedding night, and sex very special). Even if you decide to be sexual, the longer you wait and the longer you take, the happier, in general, both of you will be.

No House calls until you're Ready to Be Sexual

Being in somebody's house unchaperoned for any length of time is, at best, a mixed message. Home is an intimate place, and coming up to use the bathroom, have a night cap, check your machine, or watch a video is ambiguous. A home-cooked meal is nice, but you had better be willing to be dessert unless the entire family is gathering for the occasion.

If you are ready to have sex, a house with a bed is a real comfort. If you're not ready to have sex, a house with a bed is either a temptation or a tease. Careful here.

Don't Get Naked - Physically or Otherwise - Too soon

The problem about sex is not being physically naked, but - if you're doing it right - being emotionally naked. And being emotionally naked with a stranger is really tricky. Sex moves us at the speed of light past things we ought not to be moving past at all, the getting-to-know-you stage.

There are several ways to know when it's too soon for sex: when you don't know each other's middle name. When you haven't talked about protection, when you're doing it, 'cause you think it's expected, when you're just trying to show your parents they can't boss you, when you're afraid the guy won't call unless you do, or to prove that you're not gay.

There is only one real reason to have sex: because you really want to and you can accept the consequences(and then, for heaven's sake, be responsible and make sure nobody gets hurt, sick, or pregnant). You can see why it's often wise to wait.

Ten Sexual Commandments of Dating

In the old days - when dating was hanging out with a chaperone and the person your parents had arranged for you to marry when you were still in diapers - people could pine away for each other, and there was no risk of sex to soon. If you had sex before you were married, you were road kill, literally and figuratively. Now we have done away with chaperones, arranged marriages, and parental influence (who was the last date your parents liked?), and sex is still hanging there, tempting and dangerous.

Which is just fine! After all, sex is powerful stuff: basic, primordial, fun, messy, seductive - and therefore dangerous. This doesn't mean you have to avoid sex; it simply means you should treat it carefully and with respect, kinda like fire. You want it to warm you, not harm you (the burning up part I'll leave to your own personality structure).

It's okey to get the heck out

Before you first date begins, I want you to make a conscious decision. It , at any point, your date feels not quite right to you - if there's a look that gives you the willing or a remark that sends the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end, immediately do the following:

1. Do a really check. Flat out ask, "What did you mean by that?"

If your date shuffles his feet or she blushes scarlet, you'll know it was probably just a faux pas and not a sign of something more sinister.

2. Look at body language, and if your date's body language makes you uncomfortable, move yourself away.

Is your date standing in an aggressive manner (hands on hips, feet planted, staring) or sitting too close? You're entitled to feel absolutely comfortable.

3. Survey your surroundings.

Are people around? Is the lighting sufficient? Does the location put you on alert?

4. Listen to your own body

Sometimes your body knows what you head may be denying. Listen to your heart beat. Is it a smooth, steady rhythm or a deep, resonant pounding? Do you feel yourself running out of breath even though you're sitting still? Decide whether you're excited because you're turned on or terrified. There is a difference even though the clues are quite similar.

5. Evaluate all the cues, listen to your gut, and if you still feel uneasy - get yourself out of there.

Plead illness, a headache - it's okey to be a fraidy cat. Dating supposed to be fun and exciting, not scray!

Intuition versus paranoia

The trick is to distinguish between true intuition and the paranoia our society so easily fuels with all the in-your-face crime image on TV and in the papers. How do you do it? The best way is to start with trust. Trust your own instincts first. Tap into how you really feel, in your gut. If those gut feelings turn out to be wrong again and again, you'll know your intuition needs a little adjustment.

What intuition is

The word intuition comes from the Latin tuitionem which means "Guarding or protecting." Your natural intuition is a sort of sixth sense that allows you to "feel" something you can't see or touch or define. It's a way of processing information emotionally as well as intellectually that makes you feel everything is okey - or not.

Intuition is also what bonds you wordlessly to a person you don't know well. "I just have a good feeling about them." you say. And you are probably right. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the tingly feeling you have as you walk through a deserted parking garage or the urge to walk on a well-lit street is sensible and will keep you safer than ignoring your body's warning signs.

Women's intuition, a common notion in the American vernacular, is actually true. Women do have a more finely tuned sixth sense than men. Perhaps a throwback from the Stone Age when women had to be hyper-alert not only for their own safety, but for their little cave babies too.

Pay attention to your intuition

You know the old chestnut, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is"? Well, I want you to memorize a slightly different version: "If it feels all wrong to you, it probably is."

In fact, if you ever feel the niggling of intuition telling you that something's not quite right, do this:

1. Listen to you gut.
2. Do a really check.
3. Get out and sort through your intuititon later.

Safety in Numbers

My number one criteria for a safe date is to meet in a public place. When you do, you're creating your own safety zone. Essential For not only feeling relaxed emotionally, but releasing your body from guard duty as well. Your shoulders drop, your eyes stop darting left and right, your breathing deepens and slows. Isolated, dark, quite places may be great for romance, but on a first date, the goal is to get comfortable with each other. And comfort comes with safety. And safety comes in well-trafficked public places where you can let your guard down.

Here's a list of safe things to do on a first date:

Safest	Less Safe	Unsafe
Outdoor Concern	Meeting at a bar	Going For A Drive
Roller balding in the park on Saturday	A Private Party (Unless you know the party givers)	Midnight walk on the beach
Going for Ice Cream	Seeing a drive-in-movie	Week ends in the country
Doing Lunch	Sporting event (testosterone levels can go sky-high if it's a violent sport)	His or her home alone
Meeting For Coffee		A hike in the woods
Going Dancing		Times Square: New Year's Eve
5K run In the Park
Museum

Again this list is not intended to scare you into joining a monastic order. And certainly, a midnight stroll on the beach can blossom into one of the most memorable dates of your life. But a midnight stroll doesn't have to be a first date. Mom was right: It is better to be safe than sorry.And in the dating world, it's always better to avoid iffy situations in the first place than try to figure out how to get out alive and intact. This is dating, not undercover work.

Take Cash

Always make sure you have what my mom calls "mad money." It's enough cash to get yourself home should you decide to walk away in a huff. Tuck twenty bucks inside your shoe. Just remember to take it out at the end of the evening or you will have a closet full of cash.

Meeting in your 'hood

Your neighborhood is your territory. It's where you feel comfy and known. Meeting at some nearby landmark - the fountain in town, the gas station, the Piggy Wiggy - has several advantages. It's public, close to home, and chances are, you'll be seen by neighbors who cares about you.

Meeting at the office, workplace, or school

After-work or school date have advantages as well as a couple of pitfalls:

Unless you work in a one-man operation, you're meeting in a public place and can keep your private home address to yourself for now.

Presumably your coworkers will still be around. It's a great opportunity to see how well your date relates to others.

You can still exercise the option to provide your own transportation from work - you can leave your car there and call a cab from the restaurany or theater.

One disadvantage is that it ups the pressure for your date to offer to escort you home if you

haven't left a car at your meeting place.

Now your date knows where to find you eight hours a day. At home, at least you can leave the machine on or change your phone number if the situation gets too dicey (for instance, your date won't take no for an answer). In some working environments - a store, restaurant, driving a city bus - it can be much harder to avoid a too-ardent admirer.

The major disadvantage of meeting at work - blowing your cover - can be offset by meeting somewhere near work.

Meeting there

Meeting there is a good option for several reasons:

• You are in control of your arrival and departure time. There's no nailbiting if your date's late, or frantic rushing around if they're early. And, if the date turns out to be a dud, you're outta there in seconds flat.
• Realistically, you may not be so comfortable giving a near-stranger your address just yet. That's okey. If he or she insists in coming to your house, that's another red flag right there. (But remember, you already worked out the address deal)
• You don't have to count on your date staying sober when you drive your own car. You do, however, have to make sure you don't drink (Unless you've been dropped off by a friend, parent, cab, bus, or so on)
• Unless you invite your date to follow you home at the end of the evening, the sex question is definitely out of the question.
• Meeting at the location lends a slightly businesslike air to the date - which can be ideal for a first meeting where you're still checking each other out.

Getting there can be fun

depending on the part of the country in which you live and your age and economic situation, your date may offer to pick you up in a cab, a limo, a scooter, a wagon, a bus, or not at all. While a car, especially if it's yours or your dad's or your older sib's or your granny's may sound fun, and there is something lovely and prom like about the ritual of leaving your home on a first date and walking together to the car (will he hold the door open? will she unlock the inside?), I want you to consider other safer and potentially saner, alternatives.

Name, Rank, and Serial Number

I asked several single friends, both male and female, to tell me how often they knew the home address of a first date who was picking them up or meeting them somewhere. The answer I most often heard was "rarely," which stunned me at first. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was logical - though not terribly sensible. Most first date arrancements in the 90s sound something like this:

"you want to get together sometime?"
"Yeah. Sounds great."
"Great! Can I call you?"
"Sure. Here's my office mumber, my fax, my e-mail address, my beeper number, my cell phone, and my car phone."
"I'll give you a buzz."

When he or she does call, a specific home address simply doesn't come up in conversation unless it's needed for directions.

That's what I'd like you to change. During your rundown of numbers and letters and e-mail addresses, I'd like you to ask one simple question: Where abouts do you live?


Your date-to-be may or may not want to give an exact address - which is okey - but if they're reluctant to give any clues, you may want to ask why. And while you're at it, make sure you know your date's last name (and how to spell it). If he or she is hesitant to freely offer any of this information, consider it a red flag because there are precious few reasons why someone would withhold full disclosure:

They're married.
They live with their mother.
They are embarrassed by their neighbourhood.
They live in a car.

Tell somebody Where you are going

Always let someone you trust know where you're going when you go out and with whom. Unless you went to kindergarten with your date and every grade since, it makes sense to let someone know where you are, especially these days, when people meet through the personals and blind dates and online chat rooms.Even if you are both safe from each other, what if the car breaks down or there's a strom at the beach or your roller blades are hijacked? Not only it is smart to be safe rather then sorry, you'll feel more relaxed as well.

If your mom or your big brother is likely to grill you about your date for weeks afterword, pick someone else to tell - a friend who gives you the same kind of info. If you don't know a soul, the next best thing to leave a detailed note of where you are and who you're with posted in an bvious spot in your home or apartment. Such as on the refrigerator door. It just makes common sense. If you should stumble into trouble, speed and accuracy are essential.

Particularly if you're a single woman living alone, tell a friend what you're up to. While it may feel like a pinch on your freedom, it's a gift you and your single girlfriends can give to each other.

Safety First

Dating can be scary and fun and exciting and challenging, but you want it to be all of the above for all the right reasons - not because you haven't taken reasonable precautions about your own safety. Crossing a street is perfectly valid and the only way to get to the other side; it's safe, too, if you're wise enough to look both ways before you venture forth. This part is about looking both ways, not under the pavement of being so terrified of traffic you need to hold someone's hand as you cross. Just looking both ways.

News stories always focus on Jack the Ripper - or a modern-day monster who preys primarily on women. But it makes sense for you to be a bit cautious, too. (Please tell me you look both ways before crossing...macho doesn't keep you safe from Mack trucks, fella.) Don't feel you can skip this section or skim through it. You'll feel better and safer if you've been sensible, too. Besides, it's good to know what your date may have on her mind other than batting her baby blues at you.

How to protect yourself from a stalker

First and foremost, the moment you sense someone is overly persistent in pursuing you, take it seriously, Denying the problem only makes the stalker try harder to get your attention. Instead, do the following:

Sever all communication. Don't try to let him or her down easy. Be firm and be specific, "I am not interested in having any type of relationship with you, now or in the future." I know it sounds harsh, but it's important to extinguish even the faintest glimmer of hope.

Change your regular routine. If you usually leave for work at 8:15 to catch the 8:30 bus, car pool it some days, get to the office early.

Don't react. If the person who's been following you suddenly shows up in the cafeteria at school, try not to look scared or shocked. That's exactly the reaction they want. Instead, ignore them entirely and sit with a group of friends.

Let people know what's happening. Tell your coworkers, teachers, friends, parents, doormen - anyone you trust that sees you on a regular basis. When you are being stalked, everyone needs to be on the lookout for your safety.

Carry a cell phone. You want help to be three numbers away: 9-1-1.

Plan ahead. Know where police stations are. Park only in well-lit-areas. Hang with friends more than alone. Don't give a stalker any opportunity to have some private time with you.

Keep your old phone number but get a second number. Experts suggest getting a second phone number and hooking an answering machine up to the first. That way, you can document threating phone calls and never have to answer no matter how many times the stalker calls.

Never meet the preson for one last time. It could be your last date ever with anyone if the person feels there is no hope and therefore nothing to lose by harming you.

Finnaly, if the stalking seems to escalate rather than dissipate, call the police. Ask to speak with one of their stalking specialists who is trained to eveluate cues to determine if the threatened violence is indeed real.

Profile of a stalker

A stalker is incredibly needy and unable to carry on the give and take necessary in longer term dating. They can be quite charming initially but turn ugly when everything isn't going exactly as
planned for them. Stalkers are

• Obsessed with the object (you) of their desire: Stalkers are looking for attention. If they can't get this attention in a positive way, negative attention will do.
• Out of touch with realty and able to hear only what they want to hear: For instance, "I'm sorry, I'm not ready for a relationship" translates as "wait for me.""I have a boyfriend or girlfriend" means someone is in the way of the two of you getting together.
• Nothing if not persistent: If you let the phone ring 30 times before picking up. the stalker assumes it takes 31 rings to get through to you.
• Self-involved: Stalkers are unable to see things from any perspective other than their own.

Stalking

We've all heard about celebrity stalkers, but stalking affects an estimated 1.5 million ordinary men, women, and children in our country each year.Though more and more states are passing anti-stalking laws, many statutes define stalking as the "willful, malicious, and repeated following and harassing of another person" and add that an imminent threat of violence must be made for law enforcement to take action.

Rarely will someone march up to you and verbally threaten to do bodily harm, but stalking always has an implied threat of violence. Stalking is often much more sinister and insidious than a stated threat. So that you can take steps to protect yourself, you need to understand what goes on inside the stalker's head.

Remember the movie Fatal Attraction, in which Glenn Close plays a gorgeous, sexy, smart, available woman who was willing to be the Michael Douglas character's love slave for a weekend? You can just see him thinking, "This is just too good to be true."

Someone who is overly attentive, overwhelmingly thoughtful, and wants to be with you all the time - especially in these days when people seem to fear commitment - may seem terrific, but there may be a dark side. Believe me, if someone is too good to be true, believe it: it's not true.

A person who is not attentive can be rationalized as a product of a match made in heaven, someone who finally appreciates the real us, but it's breeding grounds for a stalker. A stalker is someone who craves that closeness in an addictive sense and whose own sense of self is so fragile the instant bonding with another is the only way they can quell the loneliness. With most stalkers, the seeds of the trouble are there from the beginning but since all of us want to be loved, we're willing to write the initial clinginess off as infatuation that is engendered by our wonderfulness.

Understand that the unbelievable instant closeness is just that - unbelievable. Obsession is not love. It is need, and the project of the obsession is nearly irrelevant. You make yourself safer from a stalker by not letting things get started, because once a stalker gets started, he or she is really hard to stop.

How to protect yourself from the date rape drug

An alarming rise in the use of a drug called Rohypnol or "roofie" has been reported across the country. Known on the street as a "love drug," a roofie is a potent tranquilizer - several times stronger than valium. It's tasteless and odorless. When sprinkled in someone's drink, sedation occurs in about 20 minutes to half an hour ans lasts for several hours. The effects are similar to alcohol: Muscle relaxation, slurred speech, slowing of motor skills. But there is one notable exception: The drug produces amnesia as well. There have been several reports of young women waking up in frat houses or other unfamiliar surroundings, without clothes on, having been sexually assaulted but not remembering a thing. (As of the writing of this book, the manufacturers of Rohypnol have added a substance that makes the drug give off a blue tinge when dissolved in liquid.)

Roofies,also called ruffies, roche, R-2, rib, and rope, are now known on the street as the date rape drug of choice even though statistically they're present in the bloodstream in less than 3 precent of all reported rape victims.(Alcohol is still the major drug of abuse in this country - especially in date rape.) And the dangers don't stop there. When mixed with alcohol and other drugs, roofies can kill. Your breathing slows to such an extent that you stop breathing at all. To protect yourself:

Don't take any type of drug handed to you at a party.

Refuse a drink offered by a stranger.

If you should "wake up" and not remember where you've been, report it to the police immediately.As dangerous as roofies are, alcohol is still the number one date rape drug. More people have found themselves in dangerous situations due to alcohol than all other substances combined.

How to protect youself if you're a woman

It's true that anybody can say no at any time: at hand holding, kissing, petting, right up to penetration. If you say no, that means that your partner must stop. But you have to be smart, too. You have to avoid sending mixed signals, like protesting one moment and then coyly relenting, purposefully trying to turn him on and off like a faucet, or agreeing to an intimate dinner at his place when you have no intention of becoming intimate, or making suggestive comments in public and turning cool once you're alone. That's game playing, and it's dangerous. You abusing your power in no more attractive than he abusing his. After all, if you're not clear on what you mean, how can you expect him to be? Be smart and follow these guidelines:

Avoid situations that put you at risk. Don't go up to his room if you really don't want to be there.

When you say no, say it with a period instead of a question mark. No means no, not "maybe" and not "convince me" Don't be stupid.

Never cry rape as a way of getting even or getting attention. This is serious, serious stuff and can ruin both of your lives if it's not true. A false allegation of rape is illegal.

Other things to keep in mind:

Don't invite trouble by inviting yourself into a compromising situation and then playing dump. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"

Understand men have been taught that if they don't make a pass, you'll think they're gay. So no fair baiting them.

Rubbing against a man's penis is going to get him excited, and he'll feel you should finish what you started, so don't get started.

Using alcohol as a way of excusing yourself from responsible behavior is misleading to him and dangerous for you. Nobody ever does anything drunk they don't wish they could do sober.

How to protect youself if you are a man

It can be confusing to be a guy out there navigating the treacherous waters of the dating scene. Some women do send out mixed signals. No doubt about it. And some guys are a bit blinded by their desires. Still, to protect yourself, as well as the women you're dating. I want you to consider the following points before your relationships progress to the sexual stage:

If your date is sending a mixed message, assume "maybe" means no.
You don't want to make love to someone who is unsure about making love to you. Talk about it. Clarify how she feels. Proceed only when both of you are ready.

Assuming you both want the same amount of intimacy at exactly the same moment is a mistake.
Your date may be interested in sexual contact other than intercourse. I know it's hard to do, but it's important to continuously check on each other's desires rather then just making convenient or self-serving assumptions that may be very dangerous.

A woman who says "No" to sex is not necessarily saying "no" to you as a person.
She may just want to pursue being physical more slowly.

Just because she's in your room doesn't mean she wants to be in your bed.

Your size and physical presence can be intimidating to a woman.
If she doesn't struggle it may be because she feels too afraid.

Intoxication(either yours or hers) is not a legal or moral defense for rape.

No matter what has transpired, "No" means "Stop now - go no further."
That's not only the moral definition, but the legal definition as well. I don't care what's happened up to this point.

Myths and facts about date rape

There are a lot of inaccurate perceptions of what date rape is. Some people (unfortunately, too
many) think that date rape is a boys-will-be-boys scenario, or a case of her saying no when she
really means yes, or a lover's disagreement, or a sample of over-reaction, or a meaningless offense. But it's not.

Those and other myths and misperceptions end up clouding the real issue: that date rape is rape. No exceptions

MYTH: Lots of date rape accusation turn out to be false reports.

Fact: Most incidences of rape are never reported particularly in cases of acquaintance rape where the victim feels guilty or somehow responsible. According to a survey of repoeted rapes in Los Angles Country, for example, fewer than 1 percent were found to be unsubstantiated - less than the false report rate for either robbery or homicide.

MYTH: Acquaintance rape only occurs between two people who don't know each other very well.

FACT: Rape is a violant crime that has noting to do with how long the attacker has known the victim. It's not uncommon to be raped by a longtime acquaintance, formar lover, or spouse.

MYTH: Rape is a crime against women

FACT: Men are sexually assaulted as well - and not just by gay men. Rape is an act of violence and brutality, not sexuality. One survey of convicted rapists found that about half didn't care what sex their victim was; they raped both men and women.

Date Rape

No any dating guide would be complete without a discussion of the darkest side of dating: date rape. Also called acquaintance rape. Both terms are misleading and contribute to the misunderstanding of this very serious crime. Rape is rape - a violent felonious assault that is about power, not sex, and that traumatizes and injures the victim. Perhaps even more so when the victim knows his or her attacker.

The definition of date rape is confounded by the pervasive sexual stereotype in the society that men should be the aggressive sexual initiators and women should "play hard to get." Both are dangerous assumptions. And when mixed with alcohol and other controlled substances (often a factor in date rapes), they can be seriously destructive to both parties.

Remember:

1. Rape isn't about sex; it's about power.
2. Rape is anything after the word "No." Anything.

College campuses are particularly vulnerable. According to a controversial 1985 study funded by the National Center for the Prevention and Control of Rape. 25 persent of women in college were victims of rape, and almost 90 persent of them knew their assailants. Of those rapes, 47 persent were by first or casual dates or by romantic acquaintances.

Dangerous date- The Dark Side

Nobody goes on a date expecting trouble, but as your mom pointed out, an ounce of prevention will save you same serious heartache. While predatory behavior is relatively uncommon, you don't want it to happen to you. So arm yourself with information.

Daing is supposed to be fun and exciting. By being aware of potential dangers, you can be alert and informed and confident rather than naively obtuse or frighteningly paranoid. Be prepared, I add be careful and be aware.